politically correct bedtime stories

story the first
Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, I told Sis I would give her my bedroom set. The occasion was the announcement of her engagement. I had wanted neew bedroom furniture anyway, so I figured this just made life easier, and she and her husband would have a queen instead of a full.

The perk was that they would marry at the end of April and then spend the summer in Gillette working. I had oh so much time to find a new bedroom set.

But I dilly-dallied.

And they came back.

And they took the bedroom set before my new bedroom set had arrived.

And after purchasing my new bedroom set, I discovered how generous I actually was. My wallet no longer likes me.

story the second
Once upon a time, I no longer had any bedroom furniture. So I slept on the hide-a-bed in the front room. I can't believe I ever let anyone sleep on that bed before, it was the most uncomfortable night of my life and I didn't get much sleep.

So the next night I slept on the hide-a-bed in the office. While the mattress was much more comfortable, Puppy insisted on sleeping in the bed with me. Now, we must bear in mind that there is barely enough room in this bed (it being a twin) for her. I didn't get much sleep this second night as she and I spent the entire time kicking each other and trying to establish dominance. Claws are such an unfair advantage.

So the third night, I borrowed the Momma's air mattress. This bed was comfortable, on the floor of the office and all. And it was large, so Puppy and I didn't fight over space. Though she developed this odd habit of burrowing into the blankets and sleeping down by my feet. She continues to do this. I still don't get it.

story the third
Once upon a time, because my cousin had taken the kids' bunk beds for her apartment, and because I had given my bedroom set to Sis, I had two rooms that were completely devoid of furniture. I figured that since I didn't have to move the nonexistent furniture around, this was as good a time as any to repaint the rooms.

I began with the bedroom. This was logical to me, seeing as how I had already ordered my new furniture online. And it's not like I was drastically changing the color there; the blue that Dec and I had painted the room was just not quite right for the feeling I wanted in the space. So I found a slightly deeper blue. From the Ralph Lauren line. In the suede finish. It's pretty sweet, but it's also pretty much a pain in the derrier. You can roll on the first coat, but you have to brush on the second coat. With a three-inch brush. In non-uniform Xes. And if you have a mistake in the wall, you can't just repaint that section. No, you have to repaint the entire frickin' wall. (This I know because one wall looked like garbage, and I had to redo it, even if I knew it was going to be essentially entirely covered by a piece of art.)

story the fourth
Once upon a time, after I had finished painting the bedroom and the bedroom furniture had arrived and I had bought a new mattress, I needed to redecorate the bedroom and move the few pieces of furniture in. Because Gladys was in Virginia with Sir Robert, and because Dec and I were now on speaking terms, and because it was Labor Day and he was going to be in Salt Lake, I found myself waiting for a few hours so he could come and help me unload the mattress into the house.

So I finally opened the feng shui book that editorgirl gave to me eons ago. I figured it would be good to make my bedroom a place of refuge with good chi. I learned many things:

• I am a tiger. Okay, I knew this already, but according to the book, "The Tiger is dynamic, impulsive, and lives life to the full. Tigers often leap into projects without planning, but their natural exuberance will carry them through successfully unless boredom creeps in and the do not complete the task. Tigers do not like failure and need to be admired. If their spirits fall, they require a patient ear to listen until they bounce back again. They like excitement in their relationships and static situations leave them cold. Tigers are egotistic. They can be generous and warm, but will also sometimes show their claws." I'm not fully convinced this is me, but I'm going to embrace my inner Tiger anyway.
  
• I am a wood elemental. "Wood people are public-spirited and energetic. Ideas people, their outgoing personalities win them support. They visualize rather than committing themselves to plans. They are artistic and undertake tasks with enthusiasm. They become impatient and angry and often fail to finish the they have begun." [editorial note: I'm sure that if the Momma were reading this, she would be screaming, "Eagle Scout! Thesis!"]
  
• I am a yang. Some word associations with this are: sun, summer, light, masculine, exterior, high, movement, active, even numbers, heaven, heat, hard, hills, mountains, houses, and wakefulness.
  
• My magic number is 8. Its energy, then, is: mountain, late winter, obstinate, energetic.

So, we put all this together, and we discover a number of things:

• Being an 8, my bedroom should be located in the nothwest corner of the house. Unfortunately, it is located in the northeast corner.
  
• I had already painted the bedroom blue. Fortunately, "blue is peaceful and soothing and is linked with spirituality, contemplation, mystery and patience. Its positive associations are trust, faithfulness and stability. Negatives are suspicion and melancholia. Blue can be used in meditation rooms, bedrooms, therapy rooms and as a means of enlargin spaces, but not in family rooms, dining rooms and studies."
  
• "A bed should face in one of our auspicious directions, which means that the top of our heads should point that way when we are lying down." Because I have moved my bed across the room, and because I do not currently share my bed with anyone, I can actually now sleep with my head in an auspicious direction.
  
• "The best bed position is diagonally opposite the door." Check.
  
• "Storage drawers full of old clothes and crates of old magazines and other items stored beneath them create a stagnant chi which is not desirable." This may be an uh-oh, but I'm not sure. You see, I bought a platform bed. It's pretty sweet. It has storage built in. But it's not old clothes and magazine I keep stored there but my regular clothes. So if I'm regularly disturbing the storage, does that mean I'm preventing the chi from getting stagnant? I hope so.
  
• "Beds should be backed by a wall, not a window, which feels insecure and can let in draughts." Oops.

It would appear that my bedroom is feng shuially impossible. But it is done and redecorated. And I like it.

story the fifth