Breaking Craptastica

Breaking Dawn
by Stephenie Meyer
YA fantasy. 754 pp.
Little, Brown. 2008.

Warning the First: This will not be a review of the book so much as a review of the drama and chatter surrounding the book and movie.

Warning the Second: I do not have kind feelings for this series, as I consider it to be, well, smut and an egregious offense against humanity and all that is holy and good. So if you would like to read a review by someone who is much more diplomatic about the content of this book, I'm sure you can google one. Though, personally, I think Jocelyn at Teen Book Review does a nice job, as does Alisonwonderland at So Many Books, So Little Time.

Okay. So I've been procrastinating this post for eons. You see, I haven't read the book. And I don't have any intention of reading it. I mean, come on! The Washington Post describes the book as "frankly, dreadful."

Money quote from the review: "Reader, I hurled."
Besides, I see no reason to wade through 750+ pages of dreck for 15 pages of anticlimactic climax. And since Bella doesn't turn into a harpy and Edward and Jacob don't hook up, there's nothing in it for me.

This does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that I don't know what happens. Because I do. There are some stellar recaps out there. The best is, by far, Cleolinda (Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Midnight Sun Part One | Midnight Sun Part Two), though there's also a wicked cool one over at lion_lamb hobbled together with screen caps from a Robert Pattinson (the actor portraying Edward in the movie) television interview. How unfortunate that the recaps are far superior in their quality than the actual series of novels. Not to mention some of the delectable spinoffs that fill in the backstory. An excerpt:
oxymoronassoc: YEAH I CAN
oxymoronassoc: SUPER INTENSE
saint_renegade: ~HUNTING TRIPS~
saint_renegade: WHERE ARE MAH STICKERS!!!!!
I guess, more than anything, I'm upset with what it's done to publishing standards. One attendee at one release party summed it up perfectly:
"I like that it was written by a mom, not a writer," Maggie, 18, said through fake fangs. "It's the perfect book. It's what everyone wants—a model boyfriend who glows. It's relatable."
I'm not sure if I've ever seen a bar set so low for a book before. And yet it failed to even clear that one. That's right, the book was so poor that fans attempted to organize a grand protest of its quality by . . . wait for it . . . returning the books. You can only imagine my glee when I first heard that.

Of course, with great glee also comes great horror, as there must needs be a balance in all things. You see, fandom is rather odd, primarily because it brings the loonies out of hiding. For example, somewhere out there is a fifteen-year-old girl who found a boy and slept with him just because his name is Edward. And she got pregnant. Now, as is appropriate in situations such as this one, said girl was going to place the baby for adoption. But then she read Breaking Craptastica. And she decided to keep the baby. And she named her Renesmee Bella Stephenie. Seriously. Fortunately, the girl's mom managed to bitchslap some sense into her by informing her that she would have to repay the couple for all the medical bills they had covered, and the baby girl was adopted by her new parents. And because they are sane, rational people, when they changed her surname, they renamed her Lily Anne.

Of course, you may be wondering why I am choosing to write on this now. For starters, I've stored up all these links about the book, and it just seems a tragedy to let them disappear into the ether without first sharing them. But, more importantly, the movie opens this weekend. Initially, I had sworn that there was no way you would catch me at this movie.

However, there are mitigating circumstances.

First, a movie is actually the right length, if not a little long, to cover the actual plot of the novel.

Second, I'm in love with the actors, particularly Pattinson, who acknowledges in his EW interview:
''I got sent to media training and my agent got back messages like, 'He's resisting the media training,''' he says with an amused shrug.
The joy of this is that he is on record with such precious gems as:
Q: "What's it like kissing the most gorgeous man alive, Robert Pattinson?" - Ceejay
Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan): His teeth are pretty sharp. It's great. I like it. It's cool.
MTV: People are also debating whether Edward and Bella will French kiss.
Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen): It's more of a Chilean kiss.
Stewart: What's that?
Pattinson: That just wasn't funny. Whenever we kiss, I just try to kill her all the time.
Stewart: And I love that. She's a total sadomasochist, if you think about it.
Pattinson: And I'm just gay.
Stewart: Or impotent.
Or even:
"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."
(That said, Pattinson is rather hot, and Edward is rather hot, so why would they totally creep him out on the movie poster?)

Third, after having seen some bootleg clips of the movie, I have discovered that the Entire Bloody Thing is dialogued with that three-words-pause style you see in the trailer. So bizarre. If you think about it, this movie just may be so bad that it crosses around the backside to good and highly entertaining.

Fourth, and of the utmost importance, Dec is decorating for some of the theater-sponsored Twicrap premiere events. (Even though I forbad it.) Which means he can go to the party and movie for free. And he can take me. The pivotal word, of course, is free. Because there is no reason to spend good money (or bad money, even) on this nonsense. I'm still debating whether or not to go. Do I really want to catch the premiere at midnight? Will I be able to enjoy it with the type of person who actually wants to see it at midnight and is willing to pay extra for that privilege? Will I be subjected to violence for laughing at the appropriately inappropriate moments? Will I be disappointed in humanity if all the other attendees are women in their mid-thirties as I fully anticipate them being?

So I guess we'll see if I go see Twicrap or not.


absent-minded secretary said...

Oh, you SO have to go. And just laugh, laugh, laugh!

Suey said...

It's really not THAT bad, is it? I can't wait to hear if you go and how much fun you have!

Th. said...


I didn't think it was possible to make me want to see this movie.

But now I kinda do.

You're amazing!

mommymuse said...

Please, PLEASE go and come back and write all about it just like you did in the post above. PLEASE!!! Pretty please with sugar sprinkles. Your fans will love you (even more).

PS--I don't which I enjoy more--reading the Twilight books or reading wickedly funny mockery of the Twilight books.

Matt said...

Oh Edgy. Y'done m'heart good.

Katria said...

I do not want a model boyfriend that glows. That would Creep. Me. Out.

Also, there would be no sleeping with all that glowing. Way too distracting.

Jaxon said...

I'm sorry, but if you haven't even read the book, why are you reviewing it? What good is your review if you don't have an opinion on it that isn't based on other peoples opinions? Especially if you go looking for bad reviews in the first place. I have read numerous reviews on this series and have come across far more positive ones than negative.

I also have to say, that as a reader, I was really disappointed by the fact that you called the book "an egregious offense against humanity and all that is holy and good" and later admitted "I haven't read the book". If you haven't read the book, why do you think it's so bad? Because other people are telling you it is? You obviously made up your mind long before you read the book, so why are you writing this?

I did read this book, and while it wasn't spectacular, I can at least base my review on my own thoughts and not what someone else is telling me it should be.

chosha said...

I'm with mommymuse - we need to hear your review of this movie, hahaha.

I'm not sure if I've ever seen a bar set so low for a book before.

Or for a model boyfriend. 'Well, he needs to be able to resist killing me...and he needs to glow.'